We live in a time where communication is easier than it has ever been. Not so long ago, long distance communication was limited to writing letters. The time between correspondents sending and receiving a letter was as long as it took for the letter to physically travel the distance between them. The world was revolutionized by the telegraph, which allowed messages to be transmitted instantaneously over long distances, and soon after, telephones allowed average people to speak to and hear each other across the globe, from the comfort of their own homes. Telephones were revolutionary in establishing real-time communication but are archaic compared with the technology available today. Having video phones that we can carry with us, was science fiction just a few decades ago. Throughout the history of communication, one of the driving forces behind the advancements in methods has been to keep and establish connection with other humans.
Humans are created for connection. We know that without human contact, even with all their physical needs being met, babies will fail to thrive and even die. There is some research that seems to indicate that one of the contributing factors to addiction is a lack of connection, a sense of belonging, to community. Attachment Theory in childhood development proposes that the need for attachment is an innate and primary to the human condition. Author and shame researcher Brené Brown says: “I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.” Connection may be nurtured as result of communication, but communication is a poor substitute for connection.
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Social media is great for communication. We can use it for announcements and discussions and expressing our opinions. I haven’t sent out an actual party invitation in years because I used FaceBook’s event tool. Social media is easy for sharing information and photos and keeping in touch. My cousin, Jake Eyre, is walking across America. I haven’t seen Jake since he was a little kid, but I am able to follow his progress and cheer him on in spite of that. (You can follow him and his dog, Bella, at Jake’s Walk Across America. He is a great guy, a Vet, and is using his walk to help raise money for solutions to homelessness.) We are able to share a lot of important information by social media; however, communication does not replace connection. Social media is not a place for the kind of vulnerability that leads to true connection, nor should it be. Most of us realize that the representation of life posted on social media is not only the highlight reel, but also the highly filtered and edited version life.
During the recent events taking place in our world, communication has been vital. Because nearly all of us have communication devices that are readily available, we have been able to stay informed, attend classes, continue to do business, and remain in touch with others. However, one of the concerns about COVID 19 Stay Home, Stay Safe policy is people are feeling lonely and isolated. When this is coupled with illusion that communication replaces connection, people don’t understand why they are feeling this way, even after spending hours online. The reality is that communication is not connection. So how do we engage in true connection?
Connection is easier to facilitate face to face, however that is not the only mean of achieving it. Many people use technology to establish and maintain connection. Hearing someone’s voice and watching their face as they speak is important because so much of our understanding of a person is based on that input. We express emotion and meaning by our inflection and body language. We are able to focus our attention in a way that is not possible by using a keyboard. Despite social distancing, we can use technology to be connected. Some ideas are:
Calling by videophone can help us feel connected to our loved ones in a way that text-based communication does not. There are few relationships what require the degree of connection and vulnerability as between a therapist and client and research has shown that video-based therapy can be as effective as a face to face modality. This means that connection and vulnerability can be established in other relationships as well.
Reaching out to those that we may have lost contact with, either by a letter or phone or video, can help build a feeling of connection. It connects us with our past, as well as with that person with whom we have lost touch. This is especially effective if we felt connected to those people in our past interactions with them.
When we are able to spend time with someone, either face to face or by videophone or telephone, focus on that person and the time you are sharing. Put your phone away. Connection is built by feeling valued and that is expressed by not allowing ourselves to be distracted, and thus minimizing the time spent with someone.
As things are reopening in Stevens and surrounding counties, it is important to make the effort to engage with others, while following safety recommendations. We are created for relationship and connection. Human contact has been lacking the last couple of months and hopefully we will be grateful for that which we took for granted. We can check in with our neighbors and friends. Soon, we will be able to engage in community events. We can use communication as a vehicle to start to build real connection with those around us. Before, we were as Albert Schweitzer stated, “…so much together, but we are all dying of loneliness.” We can allow this time of separation to help realize that connection is the cure, and determine to make connection over communication.